27 posts from July 2008

I'm not fucking watching this show anymore. Someone always dies. Last week a little girl who drowned. This week, it was a baby, and a little kid and it's not even OVER.

Fuck this. As a mom of a kid with HCM, I DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS CRAP.

Sorry. That's a post in and of itself for me. MY DEADLINES HAVE BEEN MET! wee hoo!!!!

Now this is just beyond sad. (Chris Cornell and Timbaland have "collaberated" on a new song/new album.)

I am embarrassed the guy has ties to Seattle. :( This is not awful (for Timbaland pop), but it's awful for Chris Cornell. What a sell-out. The bad boy of Soundgarden days has gone and put his balls on the shelf, and is now phoning it in.

Click on the link above and scroll down to the audio. (Sorry but you'll hear watermarking thru-out the song. It's the only link I have.)

A little while ago, I was driving through Everett, Washington, near Boeing. Everett is known for being sort of a blue-collar town: Mainly a manufacturing town that puts out big airplanes. I was dropping someone off and on the sidewalk I saw 2 Tibetan Buddhist monks. Shaved heads, brownish red robes, sandals...  just walking together, down the street. And these weren't costumes, they were for real. Maybe Everett has a Buddhist monastery somewhere? I dunno... It just seemed like the last place on earth you'd see a couple of Buddhist monks. :)

That same day, in the same town, I went to WalMart. (Sorry. I was looking for bug spray for the kid's camp thing and it was close.) I spent way too much time wandering around, so I finally asked a sales associate. She didn't know English. She couldn't answer my question because she didn't understand what I was saying. I would think knowing English would be sort of a prerequisite at a WalMart in little Everett Washington, where many of the shoppers only speak English? This isn't one of those densely populated ethnic areas in an urban city, where you might run into other languages a bit more often. All implied politics aside... it just surprised me. But I guess at least she can speak with all the Spanish-speaking customers? That's fine, but maybe her name tag could have pointed out a special job title for her so I didn't spend all that time looking like an idiot, wasting her time and mine. 

On a completely different note.... In general, people have this misconception about me that I love babies. I like babies and kids, and have more empathy in my little pinky for parents than Bush has in his whole administration, but that doesn't mean I love babies. I'm scared of babies. Just because I had one doesn't mean I'm an expert. Hand me one and it terrifies me, especially when a new mother is standing there, watching me. I guess the fact that I was a nanny doesn't help my case. But that was a long time ago, when I was young and thought I knew everything – or at least was much better at faking it.

Tomorrow the kid comes home from camp. It's been nice having a clean apartment for a week, but it will be nice to have the teenager home. No worries: I'll regret saying that 5 minutes after I pick him up, I'm almost sure of it. 

Share your favorite poem.

I have 2, both by ee cummings

it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips, which i have loved, should touch
another's, and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart, as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know, or such
great writhing words as, uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;
  
if this should be, i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.
********************************************

i like my body when it is with your
   body. It is so quite a new thing.
   Muscles better and nerves more.
   i like your body. i like what it does,
   i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
   of your body and its bones, and the trembling
   -firm-smooth ness and which i will
   again and again and again
   kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
   i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
   of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
   over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

   and possibly i like the thrill

   of under me you quite so new

This is such a neat idea, and a good cause. :) Here's me, below. Click on the above link to see my vox neighbor. I may buy some stationery after the next payday.

I'm probably going to regret it, but I'm checking out for a bit. You won't see much of me this week, because 'sans child' means I will actually have a bit of a life for a while. And I'm going to take advantage of it. And if any of it bears repeating, I'll make sure to share. :)

No worries, I'll be back in no time, bitching and whining and moaning about single parenting, Rude Mom, my fatness & gray hair, etc.

Be good to each other. :)

• Packed.
• Car loaded.
• Directions in purse.

Sending kid off to CYO* camp for 9 days, early tomorrow morning. As every mom knows, this brings a mix of sorrow, anxiety, elation, and melancholy. But the cool thing is they really enforce the no cell phone, no iPod, and no electronics whatsoever. Rare, but welcomed occasion these days. BUT he can bring his swiss army knife. All is not lost. ;) (In his opinion, it doesn't quite make up for the fact that he won't be able to talk to The Girl 20 million times a day, but it's a start!)

Sigh. • Eek? • Yay! • Awww.

* Catholic Youth Organization. No rude/divisive comments about Catholicism, priests, religion, church etc. please. Save 'em for another time – not appropriate for this specific post. Thanks for understanding! ;)

This week (and last) I've been driving into downtown Seattle to take my kid to "Rock School". It's actually pretty useful to him: he meets famous musicians, learns how to write music, work together as a band, set up sound for live stage music... all things that he enjoys learning. He told me yesterday, the place he spends the day in is the same one that Jimi Hendrix used to hang out and jam in with other musicians, informally. Kewl. :) The big showcase is tomorrow and I'm taking The Girl, and another friend of his to go see the bands perform at the center. Oh yes, you'll have evidence, of course.

Yesterday, traffic was really bad. It took me half an hour to move 1/4 of a mile, possibly less. I don't want to look it up because it will piss me off. So I had some time while sitting in traffic to take photos. With my crappy cell phone camera. :) Enjoy.

When I started my first vox blog (the one I deleted in a flurry of paranoia), I was winding down a relationship. And the resulting breakup really knocked me off my feet. The intensity of the resulting grief surprised me.

Then a little bit later, my son was diagnosed with his heart disease, and that knocked me off my feet too.

Then a while after that, I learned that I also have the disease (he has it worse). That didn't knock me off my feet, but it made me realize I'm not invincible.

So for the majority of my time on vox, I've been trying to get over and past some things that have knocked me down. I'm a social person by nature, but I've been hiding, recuperating, whatever you want to call it. It's helped, really. And vox has given me a way to get some space to deal.

On the flipside though, I think being hermity has turned me into a bit of a bitch. And not in a fun way, like when people actually deserve it.   

I've learned that I don't suck as a parent as much as I thought I did. I've got some things to work on, for sure, but overall we're doing okay. So far. ;)

I've learned that there are some things still too close to my heart to write about. Or talk about. And that's completely okay.

I've also learned that there are some people in my real life who can drive me to the edge of sanity, simply because I let them. Sometimes when I vox about it, other people know how to put it all in perspective.

I've also learned that I'm a lot stronger in spirit and resolve than I thought. Nothing's killed me so far, inside or out. That's a good thing. Time is still on my side, so far.  

I've also learned there are people out there who are dealing with so much more than me on a daily basis, and with such dignity. It humbles me. It makes me think that there is a level of grace that can be achieved even in the most dire of circumstances.

So maybe that's what vox has given me overall... perspective. People from different walks of life, different backgrounds, experience and ages, have offered me priceless perspective.

Like everyone else on this planet, I'm a work in progress. Extremely fallible to say the least. I will get back to my old self eventually. That was my original goal. I'm on the upswing – I can sense a shifting inside. Which is funny because it makes me relieved more than anything else – I knew I was in there somewhere!

I don't think many of you have met the old gunderson, so we'll see if I have any neighbors left at the end of coming full circle. ;) But in the meantime, thanks for helping me along the way, during what's been a really challenging couple of years.