searching for my own thread

When I started my first vox blog (the one I deleted in a flurry of paranoia), I was winding down a relationship. And the resulting breakup really knocked me off my feet. The intensity of the resulting grief surprised me.

Then a little bit later, my son was diagnosed with his heart disease, and that knocked me off my feet too.

Then a while after that, I learned that I also have the disease (he has it worse). That didn't knock me off my feet, but it made me realize I'm not invincible.

So for the majority of my time on vox, I've been trying to get over and past some things that have knocked me down. I'm a social person by nature, but I've been hiding, recuperating, whatever you want to call it. It's helped, really. And vox has given me a way to get some space to deal.

On the flipside though, I think being hermity has turned me into a bit of a bitch. And not in a fun way, like when people actually deserve it.   

I've learned that I don't suck as a parent as much as I thought I did. I've got some things to work on, for sure, but overall we're doing okay. So far. ;)

I've learned that there are some things still too close to my heart to write about. Or talk about. And that's completely okay.

I've also learned that there are some people in my real life who can drive me to the edge of sanity, simply because I let them. Sometimes when I vox about it, other people know how to put it all in perspective.

I've also learned that I'm a lot stronger in spirit and resolve than I thought. Nothing's killed me so far, inside or out. That's a good thing. Time is still on my side, so far.  

I've also learned there are people out there who are dealing with so much more than me on a daily basis, and with such dignity. It humbles me. It makes me think that there is a level of grace that can be achieved even in the most dire of circumstances.

So maybe that's what vox has given me overall... perspective. People from different walks of life, different backgrounds, experience and ages, have offered me priceless perspective.

Like everyone else on this planet, I'm a work in progress. Extremely fallible to say the least. I will get back to my old self eventually. That was my original goal. I'm on the upswing – I can sense a shifting inside. Which is funny because it makes me relieved more than anything else – I knew I was in there somewhere!

I don't think many of you have met the old gunderson, so we'll see if I have any neighbors left at the end of coming full circle. ;) But in the meantime, thanks for helping me along the way, during what's been a really challenging couple of years.